by The JuJu (^_^)v Mon Oct 13, 2008 8:07 am
Ah.. I see..
Well, I wish people would read it about 20 times before they start critisizing my poems by saying it is not grammatically correct, the rhymes are to simple, and the rythm is not consistent in the poem or all that.
I never see them saying this about those poems that don't ryhme at all, that has no rythm at all, and are totally grammatically wrong.
Like:
- Spoiler:
There she is: his eyes are in awe
She walks up those steps
The sky slowly fades
Night!
While the pale moon slowly emerges
Brightly shining in the dark room
Such beauty,
All his worries, insecurities, and fears
Disappears
Even for a minute
Power like this, this feeling...
He leaps in front of her
And raises a flawless ring
One look into her eyes gave it all away
Tears of joy
The crowd roars
Claps fill the building
Bows from the couple
This feeling...
It must be Love
This type of poems.. I always see praises saying its beautiful. But for poetry competitions on my Darkztar forum, I always pwn it..
So i'm kinda confused and i wonder if i should quit that forum..
Oh! And a few of the latest comments i got for this poem:
- Spoiler:
Reveries that I once sown.
This line is not grammatically correct, You could sow, or you could haved soved or there could have been son reveries, or do you mean owned?
Reveries I once owned, and it is a partical rhyme, good enough i would have thought. Reveries meaning a daydream or an abstraction.
It was a serious attempt at a poem but to me was not memorable, it was weak technically as your linesvaried from 7 to 10 syllables, and I regret to say too clevr by half, it lacked that myterious quality that draws us into a poem.
Ieuan
You've taken a common subject and added nothing to it, as far as I can tell. What few attempts you've made at figurative language ("keys to my soul", "shattering me from within" etc.) alternate between being childishly simple to being so obscure as to add nothing to the poem.
You've used no interesting imagery, and the points you've used 'poetic' language come across as childish attempts to force the rhythm. The rhyming is almost all simple.
If you want to persist with the story you're telling, you need to tell it in a way that is interesting enough to counter-balance the distinctly uninteresting subject.
My suggestion is that you take one of the metaphors you've used (avoid shattering. There are too many poems about life being hopeless etc etc that compare the narrator to a porcelain doll.) and extend it throughout the poem, using it to generate interesting images and emotional responses. I'm aware that this would necessitate an almost complete rewrite.
It's kind of discouraging to write poems with these comments shoved at me 80% of the time..
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