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    Death Wish (just a story i'm working on)

    Loli Gaga
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    Post by Loli Gaga Mon Oct 13, 2008 1:26 pm

    Just a draft of what I'm currently working on

    Spoiler:

    Spoiler:
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    Post by Kambly Sat Nov 29, 2008 1:39 pm

    The idea is good, but your writing technique needs some improvement.

    The dialogue is squished into paragraphs, notice, inpublished works, each character's dialogue has it's own paragraph, to avoid confusion.

    The point of view changes a lot, sometimes it can be a good thing, sometimes a bad thing. In your case, mostly the latter.

    The first few paragraphs seem a tad rushed to me.

    There are a few typos and could use more details, but it's just a draft.

    Just a tip, don't reveal info about characters, readers should get to know them first. Characters should be introduced in the story.

    Hope I wasn't too harsh, it's just my opinion. spotlight sulk
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    Post by Loli Gaga Sat Nov 29, 2008 1:43 pm

    HAHA, yeah, i dont usually introduce characters at first.

    just so happen i did here.

    and no worries amy, i've heard worst ^^
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    Post by Kambly Sat Nov 29, 2008 1:47 pm

    Phew. I thought you would get mad or something. XD

    Good luck on writing the rest! ;)
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    Post by Loli Gaga Sat Nov 29, 2008 1:59 pm

    haha, i already reached the 6th chapter... so far.

    >.<
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    Post by Kambly Sat Nov 29, 2008 2:10 pm

    Lol, okay. Could you post the other chapters? Because I have nothing to do.

    I'd love to read them. good job
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    Post by Loli Gaga Sat Nov 29, 2008 5:56 pm

    hmmm.. okay.


    but it doesnt get any better, lol.

    Spoiler:
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    Post by Kambly Sat Nov 29, 2008 6:06 pm

    Well, it did get better. :P

    The layout has improved, it's easier to read. And, by "sighted", I believe you mean "sighed".

    You just need to reread your stuff.

    By the way, good story line.
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    Post by Loli Gaga Sat Nov 29, 2008 6:11 pm

    ahahaha, coool. yeah i think thats what i meant too. ^^

    come to think of it.. i odnt proof read, just post it raw wahaha.

    phail ^^
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    Post by Kambly Sat Nov 29, 2008 6:18 pm

    XD That's bad Ruru, some people think it's only natural to proof read stuff.
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    Post by Loli Gaga Sat Nov 29, 2008 6:20 pm

    HAHAHA, yeah, i guess your right.

    i only re-read them once i get lost when i stop writing them for a while.

    sad.
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    Post by Kambly Sat Nov 29, 2008 6:23 pm

    Bad habit, Ruru.

    Anyway, post another chapter so I can critique it. Proof read it first so I can see your editing skeels. ;D
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    Post by Loli Gaga Sat Nov 29, 2008 6:43 pm

    HAHA, ohwell, i think i edited the 1st chapter already once.

    just didn't.. post it here. @.@

    I wonder where it went? *looks for file*

    chater 3

    Spoiler:
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    Post by Kambly Sat Nov 29, 2008 7:46 pm

    Hm, you need to improve on your editing skills. Commas need to be placed here and there.

    Sometimes it can be hard to distinguish Drake's monologue and dialogue.

    Insolent fool “tells me.” I asked. “Read my mind then?” but sadly. “I…” I cant, I couldn’t at that moment.

    The "tells me" part, well, since no one is talking use 'blah' rather than "blah". Sinc you are using "blah" for speech.

    Also, sometimes you switch between present and past tense, which is a little irritating.

    Hope you like my critique. ;D
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    Post by Loli Gaga Sat Nov 29, 2008 7:51 pm

    HAHA, didnt edit yet. ^^

    cool, your a cool critique ^^
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    Post by Kambly Sun Nov 30, 2008 11:11 am

    So, you aren't going to post more? :P

    MOAR!! Bwahahaha!

    Come on, you know you want to.
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    Post by Loli Gaga Sun Nov 30, 2008 12:35 pm

    HAHA, i am. >.<
    i'm still doubting the following chapters... too messy even for me. >.<

    Chapter 4 (RAW)

    Spoiler:
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    Post by Kambly Sun Nov 30, 2008 1:00 pm

    I'm glad it didn't drag out, like some stories do. Straight to the point.

    But I wouldn't know what the point is, would I? xD Might be something else.

    For a RAW it's alright. Could use more details, like what the characters look like, and the scenery, and so on. It helps to aid the reader's imagination.
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    Post by Loli Gaga Sun Nov 30, 2008 1:10 pm

    HAHA, ima try doing that.

    even in drawing i lack in details.

    >.<

    the big "D"
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    Post by Kambly Sun Nov 30, 2008 1:49 pm

    Lol, well, I hope to see more details the next time I read your work. :P
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    Post by Loli Gaga Sun Nov 30, 2008 1:51 pm

    haha
    will try that ^^

    *back to work*
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    Post by Kambly Mon Dec 01, 2008 3:04 pm

    So...got any chapters for me to read? :P

    GIMME!! I is bored now that I have finished watching Harry Potter no. 5! D:
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    Post by Loli Gaga Mon Dec 01, 2008 3:15 pm

    hmmm, ima change the next chapters, thier too confusing, but i wrote something new, AMY inspired, lol
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    Post by Kambly Mon Dec 01, 2008 3:21 pm

    *GASP* AMY INSPIRED!!!?/!/??!?/1/!/?2;

    It must be full of win! Win I tells ya!

    *runs to read it*

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